You can never beat Chuck Norris, you only think you can...and while your thinking, you'll get a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.

If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

In 500 years, pure energy will be observable under a very sophisticated microscope. When viewed, you will be able to see millions of Chuck Norrises doing roundhouse kicks nonstop at an incredible rate. When this happens, Chuck will emerge from his grave after a long sleep, stretch his arms and casually say, "I cannot be created or destroyed."

Each red and white blood cell in Chuck Norris' bloodstream has its own beard.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

The last words Gandhi ever heared were, "Take a dirt-nap, asshole." Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.

Chuck Norris does not have friends, only potential targets for his roundhouse to the face.

If you loudly chant the incantation "Chuck Norris" ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.

Chuck Norris opened Pandora's Box, looked at its contents, and then closed it.

Chuck Norris spends a lot of time trying to figure out how to arm wrestle himself.

When the medical industry falls on tough times they call upon Chuck Norris to roam the countryside delivering roundhouse kicks to anyone who may cross his path in order to stimulate business in hospitals.

In Chuck's homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris wears only rabid wolverines for underwear.

Chuck Norris is the exception to the "If it bleeds, we can kill it" rule.

The sound of an F15 fighter jet was taken directly from the sound of Chuck Norris taking a shit.

Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.

Chuck Norris' shoes, most notably the one that roundhouse kicked the Berlin wall down are kept in a secret government closet in Langley, Virgina. This may be the only government secret that Clinton did not sell to the Chinese.

Chuck Norris eats pills that contain fatal diseases for breakfast.

Who in the hell brings a knife to a gun fight? On a similiar note, who in the hell brings a gun to a Chuck Norris Fight?

Just to prove how bad he was, Chuck Norris crucified himself, forced himself to die (because only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris), kicked Satan in the gonads, and rose five minutes later. Now he roundhouse kicks anyone that doesn't call his birthday Chuckmas.

If Chuck Norris was an animal, he would be a Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.

Chuck Norris once donated 10 liters of his own blood. After that he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.

Chuck Norris was told that the Statue of David was the world's best statue. He replied by roundhouse kicking a mountain, the result was a 2,000ft statue of Chuck Norris. He then destroyed it because it was too awesome for anyone but him to see.

MTV sent a camera crew to Chuck Norris' house for an episode of 'MTV Cribs'. The crew began laughing in Chuck's face when they realized his entire house was one big dojo. MTV is currently seeking 3 new camera men.

Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is in no way responsible for the advent of the computer era. However, he did invent silicon after winning a bet with Thelonious Monk by eating nothing but sand for forty days.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest with Medusa.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.

Chuck Norris once won the gold, silver, and bronze medal at a single Olympic event.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris once played an intense game of backgammon against a Mexican Army. The events of this game were recorded in print and have since been called "The Alamo" by several noted historians.

Chuck Norris once flushed himself down a toilet to fight an allegator. After defeating the beast with one swift round house kick, he went home to eat his neighbor's children.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

All techno music is based on the different beats of Chuck Norris's heart.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, the sun knows what fucking time it is.

Chuck Norris can breathe underwater. He has never chosen to do so however, because he refues to get his jeans wet.

Chuck Norris once went round the world in 79 days, and promptly dove to a depth of 21000 leagues under the sea. He the hunted down Jules Verne and pimp-slapped the world-renowned author.

Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.

On the first day, God created Chuck Norris. On the second day, God created the roundhouse kick. On the third day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God out of heaven. God now works as a waiter in North Dakota.

Dick Cheney actually shot Chuck Norris in the chest, but the pellets riccocheted off his chest hair, injuring a lawyer. Chuck said that if the sun hadn't been in his eyes, he'd have killed him.

Chcuk Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris tried out for the part of Kindergarten Cop, but the child fatality rates were to high.

Area 51 is Chuck Norris' home address.

The only thing that is more of a threat to your vision than staring directly at a solar eclipse is making eye contact with Chuck Norris.

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