AlwaysCocaCola
9 months ago

You know that you are Bulgarian, if:
1. Your surname ends in either “-ov” or “-ev”.
2. You get annoyed when someone asks you why that is so.
3. Your first name ends in “-a” if you are a girl.
4. You have at least one relative called Ivan or Maria.
5. Nobody understands the origin of your nickname.
6. You are named after one of your grandparents.
7. Instead of a middle name, you have another surname.
8. Nobody understands when you nod.
9. Everyone thinks you are shouting when talking on the phone to your parents.
10. You say “tz” instead of “no”.
11. You put words such as “be”, “ue” and “ma” at the end of the sentences.
12. The newspapers you read have a naked woman and a Sudoku puzzle on the back page.
13. You believe that God is a Bulgarian and Emil Kostadinov is the Messiah.
14. You believe that Macedonia is not a country and Macedonian is not a language.
15. You think that Greeks are stupid and shouldn’t be richer than you.
16. You hate all your neighbours.
17. You still invite them for a drink just to start up a fight.
18. You prefer your neighbours’ suffering more than your own happiness.
19. You know more than 20 words for “being drunk”.
20. You know more than 20 words for “f*ck”.
21. You express your happiness by swearing.
22. You swear for no reason.
23. You think something is stupid when you don’t understand it.
24. You know how to make “rakia” at home.
25. You believe it’s better than a 12-year-old single malt Scotch.
26. Your biggest fear is having to pay more for something than others.
27. You have bought something really cheap and spend twice as much repairing it.
28. You celebrate Christmas together with Western Europe, but Easter with Eastern.
29. Everyone’s first word is “Stoichkov”, when you mention where you are from.
30. You believe that everything state-owned should be broken.
31. You believe that everyone except for you should share their possessions.
32. You blame the failure of your favourite Bulgarian football team on the referee.
33. You hate either Levski Sofia or CSKA Sofia.
34. You still love football more, even though the volleyball team is amazing.
35. You have a professional’s knowledge of wrestling and weightlifting.
36. You believe that the Bulgarian weightlifters are the only ones not to use doping.
37. You pride yourself with knowing how yoghurt is made.
38. You actually have no idea how it is made.
39. You claim that a Bulgarian invented the computer.
40. You know that he was actually half-American and never lived in Bulgaria.
41. You eat “shkembe chorba” for breakfast.
42. You believe “pacha” is tasty.
43. You drink beer for breakfast.
44. You are taught to eat ice cream only in summer.
45. Your mom and grandma shout at you when you eat it in winter.
46. You have “boza” or “ayran” with “banitsa” as a snack.
47. You like pork intestines boiled and stuffed with “slanina” and meat.
48. Your grandma cooks for 10 people, although there are only 4 people in the house.
49. She gets worried if you don’t get a second helping.
50. She gets annoyed when you don’t wake up early just to have breakfast.
51. The TV channels at home show at least 3 South American soap operas per day.
52. Your grandma watches all of them.
53. You know who Azis and Slavi Trifonov are.
54. You care about Eurovision.
55. You care about Big Brother.
56. You care about Music Idol.
57. You always vote for the Balkan nations at Eurovision, despite actually hating them.
58. You believe that blond highlights go well in your extremely black hair.
59. You need to wear make up even if you just go out to throw out the rubbish.
60. You believe that being hairy is a sign of masculinity.
61. You say “Chestita banya!” every time someone’s had a shower.
62. You never get a haircut in winter, because you don’t want to catch a cold.
63. You think that a Moskvich with curtains on the back windows is cool.
64. You believe paying taxes and licences is unnecesseary.
65. You will pay more to avoid paying them.
66. You like queuing for no reason.
67. You think washing the dishes in a cheap restaurant in America Is the way to success.
68. You think that everyone who lives abroad is rich.
69. You think that every man who takes care of himself is gay.
70. You eat bread with everything even with pasta.
71. You’d rather not eat meat, than bread.
72. Everything your grandma cooks is different types of stews.
73. Your family thinks that foreign cuisine is bad and unhealthy, but they still eat lard, “slanina” and “djumerki/pruzhki” and drink questionable home-made alcohol.
74. You like roasted sunflower seeds.
75. You think a dish cannot be too sweet or too salty.
76. Your grandparents prepare their own vinegar.
77. In your local supermarket there are no pickles or tinned fruit because everyone makes their own.
78. Your neighbourhood looks like a Native American reservation when people start making “zimnina.”
79. You think that McDonald’s, KFC and Burger King are actually proper restaurants.
80. The prices there are higher than in normal restaurants, just because the junk food they serve is American, hence more expensive.
81. You’d try to fix something yourself, despite having no idea how to do it, rather than call a technician.
82. You still carry lots of cash, even though you have several bank cards.
83. You don’t buy fruit and vegetables because you grandparents produce them, even though they live a 100 km away from you.
84. Your parents insist that you respect all your relatives, even the ones you don’t know.
85. Your parents make up the guest list for you wedding.
86. They don’t invite any of your friends because they don’t like them.
87. Your grandparents get angry when you tell them you are not going to marry your boyfriend/girlfriend but still live with them and have children.
88. You are expected to name your kids after your parents.
89. When you go on holiday you call everyone to say good-bye.
90. When someone calls to tell you they are going on holiday you get angry and think they just want to show off.
91. You are not from Sofia, you hate everyone who is.
92. You are from Sofia, you hate everyone who isn’t.
93. You immediately start swearing when you hear the word “Gypsy”.
94. You always vote for the same party and then blame it for everything.
95. The local traffic police hide in the bushes alongside the road.
96. They try and fine you just for the sake of it.
97. You are an expert in using illegal software.
98. What most of your friends do for a living is illegal.
99. You have gone to school wearing flip-flops.